Expectations

On Monday I met a friend for lunch who I have had little or no contact with for five years. Apportioning no blame for the absence of each other in our lives, we met with a certain level of excitement, nervousness and curiosity as to what we would find.  It was lovely to see her, and at the same time somewhat unsettling to sit down with someone as openly introspective as I am. Both buying into the idea that things happen for a reason - we then set about trying to work out what that reason was.  For her, it was a reminder of how far she has come since we last met, for me I think it was yet another wake up call that I haven't come very far at all.

I can already hear another friend, asking me with raised eyebrows "You didn't tell her you did nothing did you?" Maybe?!  Actually no, I tried to tell her what I'd been up to but I can't quite shift the sense of shame that I'm still occupying my time with seemingly sporadic ideas that I'm hoping will one day fuse into something more cohesive. What was apparent for both of us, was that wherever we're at - it is not where we expected to be by this stage in our lives.

I spend an disproportionate amount of time berating myself for not living up to those expectations, perhaps I need to spend a little more time looking at the basis for them in the first place.

Last week I had the treat of meeting up with my sister and staying overnight in what was supposed to be a luxury hotel.  We knew it was a luxury hotel because this is the reputation on which the hotel chain trades, and all their marketing effort is focused on reinforcing this.  Unfortunately the reality was not as luxurious as we had been lead to believe, the customer service was found wanting and our expectations were very clearly not met.

In terms of my life I suspect things are a little more complicated. There is a societal assumption that I I should have a career (or at the very least a recognisable job!), I don't have and therefore I fall short of the mark.  But, unlike the hotel chain, I have never actually bought into the definition of what that mark is in the first place. I have never made a concerted effort to actually have a career, yet I am disappointed with myself for the lack of one.  This makes no sense, yet there are many other instances where I employ the same tactics weight loss, lack of running form, bad hair day, the list goes on.... 

How liberating it would be if I could change the narrative in my head so that my expectations actually reflected the circumstances?  My dog is a master of this.  A walk with me, a girl's walk, equals treats but no stick throwing (I'm really rubbish at it and don't like getting my hands dirty) to the point where he doesn't even pick one up. A walk with my husband, a boy's walk, equals stick throwing but limited treats.  A walk with both of us, like the other morning, equals sticks and treats! Simple.

It is two months until I am expected to be 'fab at 50' not enough time to construct and tick off many items on a 'things to do before....' list but time enough perhaps to reassess where I'm at - work out what it is that is actually important to me, focus my attention there and stop judging myself against misplaced ideals of who or where I ought to be.

In a week where the hashtag "be kind" is trending, I think sometimes it needs to start a little closer to home.  In a world where you can be anything, be kind to yourself.