Insomnia
True to my word, I returned to the churchyard last Friday, but rather than long bows and Brontës it was the following that moved me:
IN MEMORY OF David who died April 25th 1847
Aged 11 Years
ALSO of six Children who died
in their infancy.
There is much in that one sentence that I don't fully comprehend, first and foremost the grief those parents endured, followed by questioning why the children aren't named. In my ignorance I can only surmise that it was either a lack of money to have the stone engraved with additional letters or perhaps convention not to include them individually, but what is obvious reading the inscription all these years later is that, despite the statistic they may have been reduced to, they were never just a number. Much like 33,614 isn't (at time of writing).
Like many I watched with incredulity on Sunday night at the way in which lockdown in England was eased, and horror on Monday morning at the pictures emerging of busy railway stations and tube trains as people started to return to work without any advice as to how to do this safely, other than to stay alert. The understanding that I am living through a time in history when human life is dispensable in an effort to restart the economy sits heavily in my heart, that sunbathing should be mentioned in the same broadcast as one of the influences behind letting people outside more, makes me want to weep.
It is too easy to picture the fallout from this broadcast and subsequent media appearances as an episode from 'The Thick of It', Peter Capaldi in full foul mouthed rant at the sheer incompetence of it all, but what if it was deliberate?
My cousin shared an article (written by Jon Alexander) on Facebook that argues this point - that it was definitely a considered strategy as it shifts the responsibility from 'them' to each of 'us' but without equipping us with the tools or information we need to make the right decisions, and that, should we fail and catch the disease, it will be our fault because we weren't vigilant.*
I'm one of the lucky ones, I can take or leave these relaxation measures depending on my own perception of the level of risk - if the park gets too busy to walk the dog, I can go at a different time of day or find somewhere less populated - but I am worried about my son's girlfriend travelling on the tube, and how I will feel if my husband is asked to return to his classroom based teaching job without adequate provision being made for his safety. And actually now I come to think of it, I'm not sure 'adequate' really cuts it. I'd like as close to fail-safe as possible please.
My insomnia bears witness to the anxiety this is causing me, the diversionary tactics I employ during the day deserting me in the dark. Nothing logical that I can work my way through, just an inability to sleep, my mind strangely vacant yet busy at the same time. Muddied, clouded, foggy, full of the white noise of my tinnitus that usually only rings in my left ear.
Strange perhaps that I should find the beginnings of an antidote in the graveyard. In the absence of being able to get to the sea it has become my new place of solace, centuries old tombstones now laid as paving slabs sharing words of wisdom befitting of modern day mindfulness practice, encouraging a renewed sense of carpe diem.
In looking up a link to the aforementioned article, I discover that there is a follow up (a link to which is also included below **). Fuelled by the number of people for whom his initial words struck home, he elaborates on this different point of view which deserves a read - not least for the positive mention of Kirklees, the much maligned metropolitan borough in which I live. In this citizen led response we are not left to stumble through things in confused manner, making ill informed choices and being held responsible for the consequences but build on the grass roots response to the pandemic, which saw people come together collectively to find solutions and adopt new working practices. It is a model that has learning at it's centre and I am keen to discover more.
Insomnia and I are old acquaintances but I am reluctant to call her a friend. She is too fly-by-night, turns up of her own volition, hogs the conversation when she's here and just when I could use an early start is nowhere to be seen. I have a feeling however that there are many more early morning rendezvous to come. I need to practice a little more social distancing inside my head. "Will you just wheesht! and whilst we're at it get over to your own side of the park bench." The answers to what we're living through will not be found overnight but, and not for the first time, I need to take control of the conversation. Two quotes for you this week, both from Maya Angelou
Determine to live life with flair and laughter.
If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.
I don't know about reaching a million, but even that started with one. Come wake me up early if you wish, but be prepared for me to do the talking.
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